Getting fatter, yes… but there is growth to celebrate
“A hundred!” The kids were trying to guess how old I was. It was my birthday in my first year of teaching kindergarten, and I was turning 38. The ECE in the classroom, my teaching partner, was 52. “Try to guess who’s older, me or him!” she challenged the kids. “Oh, Mr. Monk is older for sure!” they said. The ECE grinned ear to ear. I didn’t take any offense. The first five months of kindergarten had taken years off my life. I started the year with a more-or-less full head of hair, with a normal hairstyle. But by December the top had thinned so much that when I went to a barber and said, “Do whatever you think will look best.” he gave me a comb-over. The next day I went somewhere else and got it buzzed off. Now my only choice for haircuts is between a 1 and a 1.5 adapter on the clippers.
Anyway, with the bald head and salt and pepper beard, I couldn’t blame the kids for assuming that I was the elder between myself and the E.C.E. When she told them that she was, in fact, 14 years older than me, they were dumbfounded. “But he is taller!” one boy yelled out.
It makes sense that a kindergarten kid would assume that people keep getting taller as they age. In their families, the older you are, the taller you are. So, I explained to the kids that people only keep growing taller until they are about 17 years old and then they stop growing. While the kids were processing that, a little boy with big eyes and a frown on his face said, in a deadpan shout, “My dad’s not getting taller… he’s just getting fatter.”
I imagine that being in kindergarten must feel like a magical experience, where the world is full of endless possibilities. At that age there is constant growth. Day by day and week by week kindergarten students are getting bigger, stronger, smarter, and better at everything they do. Can’t print any letters? You will learn one today. Can’t hold scissors well enough to cut paper? By Christmas you will be cutting out shapes. Don’t have any friends? Give it three days. Don’t know how to wipe your own bum?... umm… ask your dad. I’m busy.
Kindergarten kids are constantly encountering new things, trying something for the first time, and seeing their skills develop before their eyes. It must be an age of optimism. A lot of kids retain that optimism as they get older. But by grade 8, I notice a lot more pessimism. Some kids have experienced too much personal failure.
Adults have optimism as they move “up the ladder” at work, build personal wealth, buy houses, have children, plan for retirement, etc. But I think that many people lose their optimism at certain points in their lives. I lost my optimism just when I had finally achieved long term stability at work and at home. I had everything that I wanted: an amazing wife, a stable and rewarding career, a house that we could kind-of afford and wasn’t completely collapsing. But my day-to-day life wasn’t balanced. We were watching too much TV (as an escape from thoughts of work), I was drinking too often (to reward myself), and I was suffering mental, emotional, and physical ill-effects. For 15 years I lived a life of prayer, abstinence, and discipline. I suppose that it was natural for the pendulum to eventually swing the other way. But the “fall from grace” was hard. Not only did I lose my peace of mind and positivity, I also lost a big part of my ego identity. The spiritual life has always had real benefits. But I also derived much pride and satisfaction from my efforts and progress. I thought of myself as a spiritual mountain climber. When all that crumbled, I had a mini crisis of identity, and I had to evaluate my purpose and goals in life. I was as special as I thought I was. I was a normal stressed-out guy, drinking craft beer and watching series on Netflix. It was very humbling.
It can be hard to sit before God, with your entire mind, heart, and history laid bare. I used to spend a good amount of time praying everyday. I never felt any shame before God because I truly believed that I was doing the very best that I could. Students are always eager to show someone their work when they are proud of what they did. But if they are ashamed of their work (or lack thereof) they avoid attention. When people are ashamed of themselves, it can be hard to talk to God. Some people would rather ‘fly under the radar’, and let God do his thing without bothering him. I eventually realized that I was in a rut and had to go back to prayer. I missed the peace of mind and natural positivity that comes from spending time with God. My need for peace eventually outweighed my shame. And, after I processed the humbling truth that I was not so special, I realized that I really missed God. So, I made up my mind and, with the support of my wife, I began sitting down in a quiet room to pray again. Once I did, I found that God ran out to embrace me just like the father does in the parable of the prodigal son.
AI made this image for me. Pretty cool, eh? I didn’t need the briefcase, but oh well.
For a kindergartener, there is always visible/tangible progress. I believe that if we examine our lives carefully, we will see that we continue to develop and progress all through life. Even my “fall from grace” was a necessary stage of development. At the time I felt like I was going backwards, but with God, no time is wasted. Wise and holy people have told me that everything in life is either a blessing or a lesson, and every lesson is a blessing. In my case, when I was humbled, I let go of some pride, and I learned to focus on what I truly wanted in life, which is peace and love, not pride and exaltation. I came out of it as a purer version of myself.
What aspects of your life are you ashamed of? Are there any changes that you want to make? Do you feel like you have already lost too much time? Try talking to God. Maybe everything in your life has helped prepare you for this moment.